Movie Review: One Missed Call

ONE MISSED CALL (2008)

1/2* (OUT OF FOUR)

MILD SPOILER WARNING IN EFFECT: That’s right, it’s January again and the new year almost always ushers in a gigantic load of cinematic garbage to fill our local multiplex’s screens while the talented filmmakers are out working on something worth seeing. Nothing has changed this time around as Warner Bros. seems more than happy to dump yet another remake of a Japanese ghost story on us that’s every bit as scary as one of R.L. Stein’s Goosebumps books.

The original 2005 film, directed by one of the most original and exciting filmmakers in the world, Takashi Miike, was nothing to write home about (Miike, however talented, has been known to make three films a year, and thus will direct anything) but at least showed a thread of competence. In the words of Borat: “This one, not so much.”

When 24 year-old Shelly drowns in the pond outside of her house, it’s ruled a suicide (apparently, people who commit suicide by drowning themselves also drown their pets too). At a party on the night of Shelly’s funeral, one of her friends, Leann, receives a call from Shelly’s cell phone. Too freaked out to answer, Leann and her friend Beth (Shannyn Sossamon) let it go to go to voice mail (ha ha, one missed call, get it?). The missed call is labeled a couple of days in the future and the message is of Leann herself talking frantically, followed by her screaming, followed by silence. And you know the old saying – it’s all fun and games until someone gets pushed in front of a moving train and dies. The message is Leann, seconds before her death.

Likewise, thing on with Leann’s phone calling someone after she dies, and that person’s phone calling someone before they die, etcetera and so forth until it finally gets around to Beth, who’s the only one smart enough to track down the source (of course, there is only one cop who believes her, Jack (Ed Burns), and of course, she has a crush on him). And no Japanese horror film, Americanized or not, would be complete without a creepy little kid who’s doesn’t speak and draws with crayons (surprisingly, this creepy little kid doesn’t have black hair – now that is the way to put a spin on things).

One Missed Call also suffers from the unforgivable characteristic in any horror film – being boring (at least something like Vacancy didn’t give us the chance to think about how much it sucked until it was over). There are only three deaths in the film (and it’s PG-13 rating assures that we get no visceral thrills from any of them) and a lot of time is wasted on the characters frantically filling each other in on what’s going on. This has always been a way of separating the good writers from the bad ones: the good ones know that what matters is that the audience knows and cares about what’s going on. The bad ones make the mistake of believing that their characters are part of the audience too.

There is one decent scene in the film in which a television producer, obsessed with his late son’s demonic possession and now with a show dedicated to such occurrences, contacts one of the soon-to-be victims about doing a special on her for his show. Her eventual death, in a church where her phone’s exorcism (yes, you read that correctly) is being filmed, is well shot and features some rather disturbing images. In the end it doesn’t matter (if you really care, I’m sure you can catch that scene on Youtube in the next couple of weeks) because One Missed Call is utterly forgettable, overwhelmingly stupid, and viciously insulting to any moviegoer. This is an early candidate for worst film of the year. – Brandon Nease

Movie Review: Grindhouse

GRINDHOUSE (2007)

PLANET TERROR: *** DEATH PROOF: ****

After a two year hiatus for Robert Rodriguez and a three year gap in the filmography of Quentin Tarantino, Hollywood's bad boys are back with an exploitation double feature that's worth every single minute of the wait.

After a fake trailer for Machete (directed by Rodriguez) is Rodriguez's Planet Terror. A balls-to-the-wall zombie flick that's defines "guilty pleasure" as we know it. A bio-chemical substance has been leaked into Austin and the town's people are experiencing some rather harsh side-effects – you know, the kind that make you walk slow in groups and eat people. The antidote is simple: those who are not infected must kill off those who are before the disease spreads out of the small town and is unleashed upon the rest of the world. Our heroes are El Wray, a martial arts wielding Freddy Rodriguez, Cherry Darling, a go-go dancer and aspiring stand-up comedian whose leg is gnawed off by some zombies and replaced with a machine gun, and Dakota, an anestegiolist whose planning to run away with her lesbian lover (played by the Black Eyed Peas' Fergie).

The plot is paper thin and Rodriguez relies heavily on gross-outs, ridiculously staged action sequences, and cheesy (often hilarious) one-liners to hold your attention. It's not in vain, however, as he succeeds fairly well on all of these levels. The film, however, does not succeed on a grind-house level as it feels more like a parody of 70's action flicks than homage. Nonetheless, it's very enjoyable, a lot of fun, and well worth the price of admission itself.

Next up, after more fake trailers for Rob Zombie's Werewolf Women of the S.S., Eli Roth's Thanksgiving, and Edgar Wright's Don't, is Tarantino's love letter to 70's car chase films, Death Proof. The plot is simple in broad terms, but it's the writing and character development that once again demonstrate his brilliance. The film is essentially two long dialogue scenes each followed by an intense car chase/crash scene. In the first, we follow four women in Austin (again), as they have a ladies night out, hopping from bar to bar, drinking a lot, and talking about everything from sex to Robert Frost poems. Toward the end of their night, they meet a bar-dweller named Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell) who stalks and murders them with his "death proof" car. In the second, we follow four more women as they cruise through the backwoods of Tennessee and also meet up with Stuntman Mike, only this time, two of them happen to be stuntwomen and one of them carries a gun.

Tarantino has called it his best script ever (and claimed that he sent it to Bob Dylan because he thought he would appreciate the wordplay), and he might not be too far off. The dialogue runs on for a long, long time and it does stand the chance of turning off those who cannot appreciate it. But you must listen closely, as this is a master at work. Tarantino gets away with it because he knows how to write dialogue and make it seem meaningless and pointless only to have something happen later that makes you refer back to a previous conversation. Death Proof accomplishes this in the same way that Pulp Fiction did. And the chase scenes are top notch, among some of the best ever filmed (and, imagine this – no CGI!) Zoe Bell (Uma Thurman's stunt double for Kill Bill) plays herself in the film, doing all of her own stunts of course, and is a surprisingly great actress. Rosario Dawson, Vanessa Ferlito, and Tracy Thoms is pure delight as Kim, who I now call the female Jules Winfield. It's just a fantastic piece of work from top to bottom. Without spoiling anything, I have to say that the ending to Death Proof ranks among the most enjoyable cinematic moments I've ever experienced.

Both films have the grind house theatre "look". Planet Terror is filled with scratches nearly throughout while Death Proof uses them more sparingly and thus more realistically. Both films have "missing reels" that come up at the most inconvenient times, but you can't help but laugh, and if you do, then you know they have you by the balls. The fake trailers are very well done and many will loathe to see them made into feature-length films (as of now I've heard that Rodriguez will turn his Machete into a straight to DVD feature). Zombie's Werewolf Women of the S.S. is a lot of fun with a hilarious cameo by a big name star that I will not reveal here. Edgar Wright's Don't is a hilarious bit that steals the show if you ask me. And Eli Roth's Thanksgiving is a particular inspired piece that's easily the most "on the edge" part of the entire film. There are also some really cheesy "the following film is restricted/limited admittance" animations before each film and an ad for a local taco joint located right next door to your theatre.

Grindhouse is the kick in the nuts that cinema has needed for far too long. Let's all pray that it performs strong at the box office so we can get another one of these in the near future. Go see it this weekend, as it's one of those rare flicks that really comes alive in the theatre – preferably a sold-out one. Grindhouse is likely to be some of the most fun you'll ever have at the movies. – Brandon Nease